No one turns me on like you.
Of course, no one else is trying.
Our love is complicated.
I’ll try to buy more with the hooks in front.
Birthdays just keep coming back…they’re like those things Australians throw.
Koalas.
Happy Birthday
There’s no substitute for true love…
Well, except maybe anonymous sex with strangers.
Do I know you?
I still can’t believe someone like you chose someone like me.
Were you drunk?
Happy Anniversary
You are having a birthday. Therefore, you are one year older.
Blast me and my cold Vulcan logic!
You still have what it takes to make a woman happy.
Women love a project.
Nobody wants to see you retire
You kept the bar nice and low.
Congrats!
Always knew you’d make a great mom, sis…
Or, evil stepmother. You could probably swing that one too.
Complimentary waxing:
not a good Mother’s Day gift.
Learned that one the hard way.
Happy Mother’s Day
Happy birthday to the baby of the family.
From the youngest.
Have I told you lately that I love you?
Okay, but sober?
Happy birthday, Stepdad!
You’re the nicest guy mom ever brought home from the bar.
Babies are the result of love.
And sometimes a bottle of wine. But mostly love.
Congrats!
Marriage is a bond that is unbreakable except by two-thirds of the population.
Congratulations! I’m sure you’ll be fine. Probably.
I’m so happy to hear about your engagement!
I guess you found someone who’s surpassed the low qualities you’ve come to expect in men.
Do I hear wedding bells?
Or was that the natural disaster siren? Sometimes I get them confused. Congratulations! Or…take cover!
Maybe the reason no one will believe you’re 30 is because you’re such a liar. Ever think of that?
Happy birthday, liar.
A gift card is a giver’s way of saying “I only sort of know you.”
Happy birthday…you!
Just so you know: I’m not jealous of your engagement, but if your ring finger gets cut off and I find the ring, I’m keeping it.
Congratulations, and enjoy your diamond. For now.
Be my Valentine…
Or I’ll see you in hell.
This card is for the greatest guy who ever lived!
Could you give it to him? Thanks! And happy birthday.
I’ve tried killing people with kindness before, but it’s never worked. They still continued being fully functioning bastards.
And how is work with you?
What’s this “gift horse” that nobody’s supposed to look in the mouth? Is the horse a gift? Does it give gifts? What’s in its mouth? I’m confused.
Happy Birthday, and if you see a gift horse, please get some answers.
You’re getting married!
Hey, need somebody to hit on your fiancé so you can see how he responds? Cause I totally will. I’ve got an outfit picked out.
Happy birthday to a wife who is everything I want…gives me everything I need…
Spends everything I make.
Congrats on your engagement!
Can I have your slutty clothes?
This family has shared so many things: smiles…hugs…memories…the gene for alcoholism…
Well, anyway. Happy birthday!
Happy birthday, Son.
And, as always…
Sorry about the circumcision.
I can still see the look on your face…
you did not see that comin’…
Happy Birthday from two-thirds of a threesome!
No pressure.
No comments:
Post a Comment